122508

Christmas is a confusing time of year for me. I never really know what to do. It's usually full of half-hearted "Merry Christmas" wishes, and I can only return with "thanks, you too." shallow. so shallow. but it's all i can offer at this point.

I'm sorry if I've seemed bland and heartless, at any point in our relationship.

It's not my intent. things don't always go the way they should, and I slip into a state of depression. this is where I am now, to some degree. and it sucks, because today is Christmas and I should be happy. but I’m not. I’m just... calm. I am at peace with myself. but there is tension, still. I don't want this tension. I don't want it at all.

It’s the unofficial birthday of Jesus Christ. born in a crappy stable, wrapped in dirty cloth and placed in a disgusting manger. a feeding place for cows and sheep and donkeys.

yet this baby, this little boy, grew up into the epitome of perfection. he grew up and changed the world. He allowed himself to be killed and hung on a cross, where people could laugh at him. because he loved me. and because he loved you. and he didn't want us to have to die like that. so he went willingly, after being beaten and whipped. dripping with blood, his own flesh hanging off of his body in strips. He carried a giant wooden cross on his back, and walked through the city streets, ridiculed. mocked. harassed.

...for us

and here i am, 2000+ years later, with a warm home and more than i need. I am an ungrateful wretch. I have more than Jesus ever had. and i can't manage to go a day without screwing something up.

"what is man that you are mindful of him, the son of man that you care for him?"
- psalm 8:4.


It’s kind of funny. God doesn't need us, yet we need him. how messed up is that?
and then you realize, "hey, that's what love is."
selfless. patient. kind. caring. forgiving.

God is not a monster.

the birth of Jesus is a Christmas story, but it's more than that.

It’s a Christmas truth.

he was born in a shelter for filthy animals, wrapped in dirty clothes and put in a feeding trough for these same filthy animals.

just so he could be made fun of and killed.

and he knew it, all along.
he was born so that he could die.
and he did it

for us.

"Merry Christmas"

Wise Men Still Seek Him.



Have you ever believed
without even knowing?
Do you ever wake up
before the rooster starts crowing?
Would you pour out your heart
to an unknowing stranger?
Would you give up your life
for a child in a manger?
Have you made a list of
things to do before you die?
Have you ever heard a story
and tried not to cry?

Wise men seek him still

Every year my family goes back to our "old" church for the Christmas Eve candlelight service and I am usually bombarded by throngs of old ladies I don't remember.
anyways, before the message/sermon started a few talented people played piano and sang and such.

well, the music ministers son, Kealen played a song on his guitar and sang a song he wrote himself, it was very good by the way.


GET TO THE POINT, ANNA.


anyways, before he played and sang, he gave a short story of why he wrote it and he said he was so amazed that the three kings would leave their own kingdom to worship a different king.

I was like,

WOAH, WHAT?


I'm such an idiot, I had never thought of it like that before.
I've always just been like

mary, joseph; check.
baby Jesus; check
shepherds abiding in the field; check
three kings; check

oh, they're all there. there you go.
I never thought about it that way.

They had to leave their own kingdoms, to worship a child in a manager.
that's amazing to me

Three kings traveled hundreds of miles to visit a child who is also a king.
kind of mind blowing for me.

Surely, he must be King of Kings.

monster.

I was just thinking about humanity. how we're all supposedly innately good. how deep down inside of us, there is a light that supposedly never goes out.
and I had a strange thought.

take a kid who's been living in a rural area their whole life. not a whole lot of worldly things. no religion; no moral beliefs. and once they're 16, take it all away from them.

start over fresh. this kid is a clean slate now; an experiment.


put them in a big city. huge city. new york. san francisco. los angeles. las vegas. chicago. you have a lot of options. each city is a different world. a different path. pick your poison, and pick it well.

put them in a relatively nice house. give them a television. give them $200,000. give them the internet . give them aspirin and a box of tissues. let the kid go. let them run free. the whole world is theirs. let them get a job. make friends. go to school. whatever they want to do. their life is in their own hands now.

watch them. watch them closely. this kid is practically a loaded gun. loaded and loose. they have everything at their finger tips. they can buy and sell; love and lose; live and die. kill or be killed. they are everything that they ever wanted to be. freedom. all at once.

watch while they corrupt themselves. sex, drugs, alcohol. things the world tells them are good and right and okay. they have no parents. they have no guardian. no one to look up to. no guidance. just them, and their possessions. one the things they know and hold so dear to them.

and when you see fit, take everything away from them. all of it. every single thing. all the money. the drugs. the TV. internet. cell phone. whatever they have, take it.

watch them again. watch them closely. what will they do? they have "learned" so much from society. the world has told them what is supposedly good. the battle between good and evil is being fought.

and it will continue to be fought until God comes back. but I'll get to that later.

the devil and God are raging inside of them.

they have nothing.

but they want everything. they have known everything. for so long, they have lived in a bubble. then you popped that bubble and allow them to run loose. and now, they have been chained. chained to what they don't want. they're looking for the key. the answer. they want to know what it will take to get it all back.

the key comes in the form of death. killing. murder.

yes, chances are this kid will steal and murder. they will lie and deceive. just to get what they want. to get to what they once knew. this kid wants the drugs and the alcohol. they want another one night stand. another night in the arms of a stranger. they want everything and everyone that wanted them. they will settle for anything and anyone now. they are alone and they have nothing. their fate is in the hands of the street and the people who occupy them.

these kids will do anything to regain the things they once had. they want their house, and their money. they want their internet and their TV and their cell phones or iPod. they want to dull the pain somehow. they just don't know what it will take.

they will do anything.

the world has made them numb to themselves. no longer is there any regard for health and safety. they have nothing to lose. so they will kill. they will murder. they will steal. life has left the lifeless. there is only hatred and death now. what once was, is no longer. but they WANT it, so badly.

this young kid, an innocent child just a few years ago, is now a beast. a monster. they will do anything for the greater evil that they are so close to now.

lives will be lost. blood will be spilled. tears will be shed.

the good Lord giveth and the good Lord taketh away.

but this kid runs their own life. they don't need a master. they are their own god, and they will rule until the day they die.


and then, they see that all hope is gone. the fight is closing in. they are in a dark alley with a gun and a price tag on their head. the cops are catching up. the mob is after them. they took what wasn't theirs, and they have no plans to give it back.


it's too late now. they put the gun to their head, and they pull the trigger. they have pulled this very trigger so many times before. in schools and shopping malls. in dark alleys, clubs and bedrooms. In an effort to find peace, love and happiness, again. the things they thought they once had. they want them back, and they want the things to be real this time. they're searching. for everything that was taken, and now this gun is all they have. and they will use it, because they don't know any better. they don't know what exists on the other side. they know nothing of what is good and what is bad. what is wrong and right.

morality is foreign.


they will pull the trigger and their life will end. they had everything, and now they have nothing.

nothing to lose.

they didn't realize what they're worth. what their life means. the monster that lives in their body has no regard for itself.

no more cops. no more mobs. no more death. they don't want blood on their hands. stains of their past, torturing the future. they want to be rescued, deep down inside their heart. but the monster in his body couldn't care less. this monster wants more. it feeds on the blood of the innocent. love is lost to the beast. hope is a flickering flame. these things will destroy the beast. the monster needs life. life in the form of death.


lights out.
all because there was no one to help.

no one to say it was going to be okay.
everyone was afraid of the monster.
people were afraid of the dark boxes that this kid hid in the back of their mind.

people turned away, because they were afraid.

the good Lord giveth, and the good Lord taketh away.


Monster.
How should I feel?
Creatures lie here.
Looking through the window...
That night he caged her.
Bruised and broke her.
He struggled closer.
Then he stole her.
Violet wrists and then her ankles.
Silent Pain.
Then he slowly saw their nightmares were his dreams.
Monster.

caught in suspension

As I sit and write, words don't always come easy. I write and I write and I write. and I re-write and I re-write and I re-write.

I try to be as open as possible.

Barriers. it's about breaking down those barriers.

your thoughts don't have fences. so, why should your writing?

I try to let my writing become a reflection of my thoughts.
because they're my writings and that's how I like it.


but, I don't let barriers become a problem with my writing.

I write about loneliness, depression, alchololism, abortion, cutting, asking questions, standing up for yourself, faith and hope.


... and love

but, in my 'love' writings, people always somehow remain nameless.

that sort of bothers me.

I have the ability to insert names, of course.
but, not the courage.

I fear rejection.


I am as honest as possible when it comes to your problems. the worlds problems. but rarely with my problems.

my most inner personal thoughts and feelings are not expressed in my writings. at least, not with clarity.

some of you might have taken the time to guess or assume what the writings were about. and there is a very good chance that you guessed correctly.

But, there is also a very good chance that I'll never have the courage to come right out and say it.

and for that,
I am sorry.


"Lately I'm alright
And lately I'm not scared
I've figured out,
That what you do to me feels like
I'm floating on air.
I don't need to know right now
All I know is I believe
In the very thing that got us here...
And now I can't leave."


It'll be okay,

amiable, yeah?

if none of this makes sense, I offer my sincerest apologies.


I’ve been thinking a lot about who I am lately. It’s astounding, really. Here I am a mortal being, a human, a person..... Yet, I am much more. I am more than I know. I believe we are all much more than we know.

I think I'll make a list,

I am a friend.
a best friend.
a daughter.
a sibling.
a cousin.
an acquaintance.
a companion.
a student.
an example.
a niece.
consumer.
buyer.
seller.
I am a patient.
statistic.
helper.
seeker.
reader.
listener.
a thought.
a memory.
a life.

this list could go on and on, and on.

I am all of these things, and you are all quite possibly some, if not all of these things.

we are all the same. yet, all of our lists are different.

we are different people, yet we are one. united by a common bond; the air we breathe, skin we are wrapped in.

"we do not have a soul. we are a soul. we have a body."
- C.S. Lewis.

That is... beautiful. to know that i am not this body. I am this mind, this heart, this soul, and i am given this body so that these things may be used in relation to others who share a similar fate.

Look at the list again. See it. Think about it. We all have so much responsibility. We are not just human beings inhabiting this planet for no reason. We were given this Earth to love and to serve and to give hope and protect. We are here to care, to love, to serve, to act justly.

You are more than your body is capable of handling. If your body was built of emotion, we would break far too easily.


There is more to life than what we know. There always is.


Sometimes, all we need is to be a listener; a shoulder to cry on; a hand to hold.

Listening is more important than talking, sometimes. When you talk, you hear yourself. But when you listen, you hear others. And that is what matters. If we were put on this earth to serve ourselves, would we not be self-sufficient? We are not. We need other people. And when you can come to terms with that fact, life is transformed. You need other people, and other people need you. Be humble, yet strong.


But this goes deeper. We are a long list of things. Very important, beautiful things. So, is it fair for us to take our own lives? For when we do, are we not robbing others of what they had in us? Is suicide more than death?

Is it not murder, stealing, and lying, all in one package?

I am this list of things, but i am not my own. I am these things, but to other people. I am not my own. I do not belong to myself. I am only supposed to take care of myself, so that i may benefit others.

If every one of us realized this great truth, this importance, this beautiful life that we have all been called to live.... how much better the earth would be.

I am made of skin and bones. Dust, ashes, blood, hair. I am part life and part death. You are a beautiful person. Together, we are beautiful people, created to do things for this earth. For other people. the people around us. Those that we love and care for.


One day, all of this will make sense to us.
Until that day, we should learn as much as we can.

For the well-being of the world.



it'll be okay,

implode, in 5, 4, 3, 2...

I have these feelings welling up within me.
thoughts and ideas swimming around in my head.
emotions that should really come with a disclaimer...

There are some people...
I would do absolutely anything for.
I would wait an eternity just to be by their side
and, no matter what they ever do to me, I still love them.
and I have a feeling that I always will.

they could walk all over me all day, and I'd be perfectly fine with it.
because that's how much I love them.

and that scares me.


There are some emotions and feelings that simply can not be put into words.

There is no combination of words in the English language that could ever express my feelings.


and Love, it seems so overused. the word. it upsets me to no end. people think nothing of the words that spew out of their mouth.



it'll be okay,


I think.

can't shake this awful feeling

Has there ever been a time where you saw someone hurting and heard their story through someone else. and you knew they would feel awful and betrayed if they knew that you knew.

if they knew your pain
if they knew your reasons to cut.
if they knew why you cried for days and days.


It's an awful feeling.
the feeling of being helpless,
and useless.

knowing that you can't help them.
it's an awful feeling.
I have an awful feeling.
I'm awful for not doing anything.


I don't know if it'll be okay,

The darkness hides these eyes that weep

I won't tell you what I was thinking and feeling when I wrote this.
I'll let you interpret it by the way you feel when you read the... poem

I might post it later, or in a personal message to you, if you request it.


UNTITLED.


This is the end...

of everything I have become
of everything my pain stems from
this is the end of an old life
I've taken my soul out from under the knife

Burned the bridges, long and wide
burned down homes, with friends inside
a shell of what it was
all for nothing; all just because

now I lay me down to sleep
the darkness hides these eyes that weep
finding comfort in the shadows on the wall
the silhouette of one and all

Shadows cast by both friend and foe
turn the lights on; and we will know
nothing is as it seems
when you base your life on nightmares and dreams

sit and listen, hear me out
no more shadows of doubt
this is the best I've been
I've given up and forgiven; I feel free

Free to shout; free to sing
free to give myself to everything
the enemy is my friend
close your eyes, this is the end

TWLOHA clarification :)

"Oh my gosh, I love your ‘to write love on her arm’ shirt, I'm going to buy one! Oh, what's it for again?"

I wanted to gag them with a long rusty spoon.

are you kidding me?!


Warning: this is going to be a rant, of sorts. I might say some things that won't make sense unless you live in my head. so please, bear with me. this is not aimed at anyone in particular. okay, maybe it is. but this is just another thing that I have a hard time understanding.


Let's talk a little bit about to write love on her arms.

I love this organization/movement. I have met a great number of incredible people that I love so much and have been helped through this movement/organization/what

ever you want to call it.

I have experienced community and love and hope and faith and peace. I have encountered the heart and soul of the human condition at various points these past few months. twloha helped give me insight and perspective; it has helped me make decisions and it has helped my conversations with people. there are no words to describe how I feel. then again, there never are.

The problem is, too many people are caught up in what 'to write love on her arms' isn't.

It’s not a fashion statement.
It’s not a trend.
It’s not a social scene.
It does not endorse or condone the 'emo' or 'scene' subculture.
It does not have a favorite type of music, nor does it favor a certain group or groups of people.
No, twloha is not that.


To write love on her arms is a story of hope, love, and faith. It’s a movement dedicated to sharing the truth, that hope is real, love is the movement, rescue is possible.... these things are powerful.

More powerful than the human mind can comprehend. these things cannot be broken down into simple terms... no, 'hope', 'love', 'rescue', 'faith'.... these things are in their basic element. But they are elements that no one can fully understand. they're too big. too huge. too real. these things are not affected by the internet, the media, liars, cheaters, politics, religion. the opinions of people may change, but these things.... these things are real and they are true and cannot be changed.

I'm tired of people whoring the organization like its candy.
I’m tired of stereotypes.
I’m tired of seeing people so apathetic towards the truth of the movement.

This is about LOVE and HOPE.
It’s not about who can recruit the most people to the cause. It’s not about who can buy the most shirts and raise the most money. Love and hope are not affected by material things. Twloha is about showing love and hope to people of all ages, all skin colors, all backgrounds, all religions, all beliefs.... it's for everyone. Love and hope are free, and they are real.

Please don't forget that.

Don’t try to sell twloha to people. Instead, love on people. Show people what it's really like to be truly loved for who they are. Let them know that it's okay. It’s okay to cry. Its okay to feel. We all bleed every once in a while. We all struggle. It’s okay. You’re not alone.

You are not a salesperson. And if you are, you know what I mean. You are not a salesperson for TWLOHA. You are a human. Be a human. Be a living, breathing being. Showing love and caring for people.

Telling people about hope. Remind people that nothing on this earth is worth a drop of blood. There is more to life than what they know. Emotions are real. Pain is real. But hope is even more real. Hope is the sun behind the dark clouds that we so often see.

So, stop trying to sell 'twloha'. It’s not a thing, it's an idea. It’s a passion, a movement... but at the same time, it's so much more than that.
Just love people. Let people know that it's okay. The more you love and give hope, the more twloha succeeds. That’s what it's about.



"Tell Them To Look Up, Tell Them To Remember The Stars. The Stars Are Always There But We Miss Them In The Clouds And Dirt, We Miss Them In The Storms. Tell Them To Remember Hope. We Have Hope"

-Renee Yohe

The caverns of tomorrow...

I'm wrestling with failure and disappointment, once again. doing the things I told myself I would never do again. I think I tell myself these things yet I don't listen, because I honestly just don't want to listen. or rather, I do want to listen, but something else has a grip on my heart, and it doesn't want me to listen because it knows the greater pain of evil, and that's all it wants for me. this spirit of evil wants nothing but destruction for me. It feeds off of my failures; hides in the shadows of my darkness; rejects the light for its own purposes. It’s the devil, and my mind seems to love it. yet, my heart bleeds. my heart cries out for freedom and liberation. yet all I give it is more of what I don't want in the first place. If I continue this way, I will eventually destroy myself from the inside. All because of nothing. Well, what people are telling me is nothing. Some days I think it just might be worth it.

This is one of those times where I can truthfully say "my heart is heavy and light", yet not fully understand that.

But still, I laugh and scream and sing. My sin laughs. My heart screams. My mind sings. Knowing full well that change is in order.

I often wish I had more words to convey emotions. I feel I overuse words a bit too much. I apologize for that. I feel hindered by the English language. If I had words more profound, I would say them readily. But, I am all that I have, and what I am is not verbose or poetic enough to convey my true feelings. so, I carry on...


anyways, on a lighter note...


I feel like life just might be looking up for me. I have a lot to look forward to, in these next couple of months and years too. I feel like change is finally taking place. The hole I dug for myself was deep, but the ladder I’m building is strong.

It’s a way out, and It's made of love and faith and hope and honesty. I’m building a ladder of peace. I’m finally taking steps to make amends with myself. It’s not always easy, but it's beautiful and I am thankful for it. Good things take time.


I have another day ahead of me.
It’ll be a good day, I’ve already decided.

possible work-in-progress

So many people are telling me so many different things at one time. it's safe to assume that I know nothing. not a single thing about trust or honesty. I'd like to think that I do, and I talk about it, but when it comes down to it, I'm deathly afraid to be honest with a few certain people.

I'm afraid of rejection.
I'm afraid that it will ruin our relationship(s).

It's either,
lose yourself completely.
or possibly lose someone that you care about.

and I value them and their friendship so much, so that is the last chance I want to take.

and timing. timing is everything, right?

well, there is never a good time for heartache, now is there?


oh, but they're going through a lot and this would be just one more thing
oh, but they don't care.
oh, but uh, I, eh, um, well...


excuses.

when it comes down to it, I'm just a hypocritical, afraid, moody, pitiful, pathetic, feeble and emotional basket-case.

victim of circumstance.

my hope in community has been restored.

I don't know how to put my thoughts and feelings into words anymore, I don't think I ever have actually...

I am speechless, and forever grateful for gracious strangers, I'll touch on this later.
I'm far too brain dead to do so properly.


I just wanted to let you know;

I've given up stuff for you,
We've all given up stuff for you,
and I know it is well worth it.
remember that, we love you


if only you knew that you were in the prayers and thoughts of countless strangers.

you are.
you are loved so much more than you ever thought possible,

you've been in my prayers for so many years, and you will continue to be in them.

words are futile at this point,
I can only express my love through my actions
and the thoughts that you will never hear, or understand
just understand that I love you.


fierce wind and tragedy swirls around you, and you remain strong.
you all amaze me

I love you.
God Loves you.
We love you.


it'll be okay, :)

eerie?

"Talent is helpful in writing, but guts are absolutely necessary.”

I hope I don't offend anyone with this...

I just feel like it needs to be said.


what does it mean when people whiten their teeth in photographs?
and when they edit their blemishes... ?

I took part in this trend for a few months probably.
and now I look back and think "um, this is disturbing"

they're editing themselves.

why?


I mean, we look like this, we are meant to look like this.
that is how God made us.

he didn't give us green eyes so we could edit them to be blue.
and vice verse. if he wanted us to have blue eyes, wouldn't he have given them to us?

he gave you a smooth and creamy complexion.
so that you could give yourself a tan by the click of a mouse... ?

he gave you a beautiful round face.
so you could edit in fierce cheekbones and "heart-shaped faces"?

no. no, I don't think so.


I feel terrible as I write this, because I don't want to offend anyone who do edit their photographs.

I mean, I've got nothing wrong with editing a few every once in awhile, for fun.
yeah, posterizing and pixels and stuff can be really fun and cute and creative...

but, when you eliminate all of your "flaws" in every single photo.
...I think that really says something about how you view yourself.


No matter what,
You're beautiful.


"This all seems grossly unconventional and bizarre
Don't you dare change one more thing
You're beautiful; just the way you are"


I understand that we they're doing isn't exactly going this far.
but, if they had the tools to do so... would they?



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IHqzlxGGJFo

You haven't shown your face here, since the bad news.

I wish I could take away the pain and disappointment from people. I wish I could save them all the heartache. I wish that nobody would break up. I wish that everyone would remain true until marriage. I wish I could take all the hurt from some people. maybe not all of it, but most of it. the real hard stuff.

but, I can't. obviously.

words can't heal the wounds
nothing can bring back the moments where we wish we didn't say something,
or wished we did say something.

it makes me angry when I see someone hurting my friends, and I can't do a single thing about it.

I want to take action. but it's all out of my hands.


this is a silly and pointless post.


"I wanted to hold you
I wanted to make it go away
I wanted to know you
I wanted to make your everything, all right..."

even the beautiful things fall.

I was just outside, it's a bit nippy out there tonight[35°F]

I like to go out there and think, nighttime is best for me. because during the day, I get distracted by nature and color and the tiniest of things and completely forget to think and relax. so, I go out when distractions are at a minimum.


The sky is dark and cloudless for the most part...

I was looking at the stars.
They are beautiful.
I saw a "shooting star"
and then it occurred to me...

Even the beautiful things fall.


I mean, no matter what seems perfect, even what seems so beautiful and innocent and flawless... those things will eventually fall, too.


I sure hope that's something you can relate to. You may not consider yourself beautiful. You may look at other people and their supposedly perfect lives, and you may wish to be like them, because you fall too often, and too hard. Even those people fall... They are no better than you, and you are no worse than them. That social ladder? hah. knock it down. There is no top and no bottom. There is only beginning and end, and no one is better than the other. Everyone falls. The important thing is that you get back up and try again. I believe that you can do it. Learn to love what you can and cannot do. It's who you are. Love who you are, and press on to bigger and better things. Because love often happens where there is peace...

"even the best fall down sometimes"


it'll be okay,

unequivocal?.

So, I was sitting in Science class today, and I'll admit, I was a tad bored. weather. clouds. lightening. etcetera. anyways.
a lot of kids were sick or just slackers, so they didn't show, so it was quieter than usual.

I took the time to neglect my studies and just think. think about everything. and I heard someone say something about Pluto(I think they were referring to the Disney dog character) but I started thinking about the planets, the solar system. sun. the earth. etcetera.

and I started contemplating everything. literally, everything. contemplating the meaning of the universe and why it exists; why it's there.
I began making comparisons to God and love and hope and faith. (I've been real big on those three things lately)

And I came to my own conclusion: God made planets so we wouldn't feel alone, in a sense. God made them so that we could feel like we belong; we are a part of something much bigger. something colossal. something so large that not even the best telescope could see the end of it. alpha and omega. and maybe there is no end. maybe it goes on forever. but these planets exist so that we don't feel like we're floating around in space, with nothing to see but stars and sun. nothing to feel close to.

so, maybe it's a metaphor of our lives. we belong to something bigger; something better. maybe there's more out there, and we just can't see it. maybe we'll never see it. but we're part of something. we're part of something huge.

maybe these planets exist to give us a sense of purpose and direction.


I rarely understand my thoughts or why I have them. maybe someday I'll understand some of them. maybe someday I'll realize that these thoughts are such a vital part of this great big universe, the universe I call home; the universe I live in. it's massive and it's beautiful. it's endless and it's real, and I belong in it.

you belong in it.
you belong in it with me.
we all belong in it together.

I'm shaking and I don't know why.

oh, to know this demise...

I don't know what I’m waiting for,
but I’m certainly waiting for something.

I struggle with jealousy and envy. I want what other people have.
friendships, money, things... what ever it may be.
maybe I’m waiting for my chance to have those things.

but I know deep down that I have all that I need. everything I need is inside me.
yet I still struggle with exactly how to cope with these feelings. What do I do? What do I say? how do I go on like this?

I don't know the right questions to ask. I don't know whether the answer is right in front of me, or if it will take years of searching to find even a clue as to what the answer is. maybe the answer isn't even important. maybe the road is what’s important. the road to whatever end I come to. perhaps I should stop wondering what the questions are, and step out on my own and just find out what I’m supposed to do in the long run. but it's so overwhelming. I don't know whether or not I’m doing everything I should be. but at the same time, I can't help but acknowledge that wherever we are, that is where we're supposed to be at this point in our lives. so, I’m here, not feeling too good, but I’m here for a reason. maybe I won't know that reason for a very long time. maybe I’ll snap out of it tomorrow.

I say 'maybe' a lot. I think it's because it's a hopeful word. it references possibility; chance; opportunity. the future. a lesson learned. positive things. it's usually a pretty positive word.


sometimes I feel like I have all the right people in all the wrong places. maybe I just need to open up more; be more of myself, and less of someone I’ve been trying to be for too long. but will people even care? can these individuals lay aside their judgment and their pride and arrogance for a brief moment, to see people for who they really are? more importantly, will they? I’m beginning to think that they won't. I’ve almost given up on this world. but I haven't, because I know I’m not supposed to. It’s all part of a bigger plan. a plan that is far outside of my control.


I think part of my problem is anger. I have so much despicable anger built up towards a few certain people right now. these people have hurt other people; broken them down; torn people and relationships apart; lied; cheated; deceived; hidden their true character and life. I try to avoid coming in contact with them, for fear of what I'll do or say. this is a huge part of my problem, I think. because it really and truly affects me. however, amends cannot be made. no words of repentance and forgiveness can be spoken by either side, at this point. and it scares me. because it's slowly tearing me apart, and I don't know if i can handle it much longer.

I cannot fix this problem myself, and I’m not trying to place the blame of my attitude onto another.

Prayer. Yes.
I just need a lot of prayer.



I don't really have anything else to say.
I'm far too tired to think of much else.

Emotions and thoughts that cannot be put into words, that’s my specialty it seems like.


It’ll be okay,

Exposure to the Son may prevent burning.

I'm not always happy. because I'm not perfect. there are times where I thought this life wasn't worth it. guess what, it is. even though at times it feels like it doesn't mean a thing that you're alive. it means the world to me.

I have so much to be thankful for. and not just because it's thanksgiving. because I am alive. because I have relationships with people who love me. and with a God that loves and will never fail me. I fail a lot. too much. it's pathetic how much stuff I've failed at. but, it's okay. there is always tomorrow. there is always good. just because today was depressing. the sun never fails. it always come back up.

The Son never fails. :)



I was recently approached with a problem that someone had. I didn't know the answer. so I did a little outsourcing, and came up with nothing. so, I did a little more outsourcing, and was ashamed of myself.

They said "Well first and foremost, I would pray for the person, and you need to pray about it too" --No, this wasn't God, it was a friend of mine who I look up to and I value their opinion.


I wanted to kick myself.
I thought I could work it all out. how egotistical is that?.
Yes, we have the ability to help people. but we cannot do this on our own. we all need to do a little outsourcing.


You're not alone. you've got me. I'll listen to you, I'll laugh with you, I'll set you straight and I'll hold you as you cry if you'd like. but most importantly, you have God. I am nothing without him. I wouldn't be able to help you, if God didn't give me the power to understand your problems and your needs. so, you have me, and most importantly, God.



If you have something to say, say it.
If you have tears to cry, cry them.
If you have a song to sing, sing it.
I know you have a story to tell; so tell it.
seriously, these things are important to me.


it'll be okay,

overdue.

this is a few hours late, but after I wrote my other “note” on thanksgiving, I got to thinking about how much people don’t have to be thankful for. And this is what came of my thoughts…

Thanksgiving is a hard day for many people; I’d like to think I know this well.
for some, it's the first holiday they've had without a father, or a mother, or a brother, or a sister, or a close friend or relative. Without someone. that's a hard thing to deal with. to celebrate in the wake of a tragedy.

yes, for some people, these holiday seasons are more of a chore than a celebration. it's a process of going through the emotions for the sake of doing something. some people are afraid of the consequences of delving into the true meaning of these things. emotions are a scary thing, and we too often lock them up in dark boxes in the back of our minds, hoping they'll die on their own accord.

I feel like thanksgiving can be a time of honesty and reflection. Look back on the good in life, and be thankful for it. it's a time to open up and reflect on yesterday and what it means for tomorrow. it's also a time to be true and real and honest. Jamie Tworkowski wrote a blog over on TWLOHA’s site, about what thanksgiving means to him. It’s really good; I think you should go read it. he talks about the dark clouds that hang out in the room; the metaphorical elephants in the room that seem to suffocate us, as to keep secrets within those dark boxes in our minds.


I know the concept of 'family' is not always a friendly one. Heck, it's not always easy for me. I don't always enjoy family get-togethers, for various reasons. I know it's even harder for a lot of you. and I’m sorry. I’m sorry you have to go through this. the world doesn't mean to hurt you. Don’t shut out the light. Don’t close your eyes and lock your doors and try to tune everything out. There are things you need to hear. There are people you need to see, and words you need to say. every day is a good day to do those things. to see, and to hear, and to speak. to make your voice heard.

whenever people say something like, "make your voice heard!", I think of rebellion. I think of angry protestors standing in front of buildings with signs and flags, ready to hurt whoever or whatever stands in their way. I don't like that image very much.
when I say "make your voice heard", I mean it in the sense that you belong. you are important. you are beautiful and you are loved, and you don't have to shut your mouth and sit in corners by yourself. there's a beautiful light out there, and it wants to shine on your face, and tell you what you're worth. because you're worth more than you give yourself credit for. You’re worth everything. your words are important. you have things to say. apologies, confessions, praises, thanks, words of encouragement and hope and love. these things are important, and they need to be heard.


Most importantly, I think thanksgiving is a time to remember that you're not alone.
maybe you felt alone. maybe you feel alone everyday. Well, you're not. we're all in this together. we are our own individual people, living our own separate lives; but in our separation, we are one, and we are not alone. we are a community. these people exist, I promise you. and they live outside of those dark boxes in the back of your mind. they live outside the secrets and the burdens and sorrows, and the lies you've been told for so long. these people exist above that, and they want you to rid yourself of insecurity. I want you to rid yourself of this pain you've been holding onto for so long. I want to help you. because in the light, you deserve the best.
but for there to be light, you must remove the darkness.
darkness is just the absence of light.
open the dark boxes in your mind.
right the wrongs.
speak truth in the face of lies.


you are not alone.
you are beautiful.
you are loved.
you are important,
and your voice matters.

people may not listen,
but your words have a place in this life. In this world. Even when you’re gone, people will remember. I will remember.

don't be afraid to speak up.


it's thanksgiving.
look around you, and be thankful.

Hush Little Baby

Check the facts;

1.2 million abortions were performed in 2005
(and that's only the ones that were performed in the US and were documented)


IMO;

I believe that the unborn child is human.

I believe life begins at conception.

I believe that abortion is not safe.

I believe that abortion is a war on the unborn.

I believe abortion is wrong. no "if's", "ands" of "buts"

I KNOW that the Bible backs up everyone who is pro-life.




Hush little baby don't say a word;
My life over yours is what is preferred

Hush little baby just try to rest;
You're just too much, and I have enough stress

Hush little baby you would cry too much;
When I'm trying to do school, go to work and such

Hush little baby you'd bring my life to a halt;
I'm not to blame for this, it's really never my fault

Hush little baby you would get in the way;
My dreams and hopes for myself would be delayed

Hush little baby I don't have the time for you;
If you were in the picture, my life would be through

Hush little baby I'd have to drop out of school;
because nobody else wants to take care of you

Hush little baby I really wasn't thinking;
but now there's nothing left to do but this one thing

Hush little baby you will never cry;
Because you don't get the chance to live, before you're chosen to die

Stand up for these unborn baby's rights;
Because there's never a good reason to end a child's life




Proverbs 24: 11-12 – “Rescue those who are unjustly sentenced to death; don’t stand back and let them die. Don’t try to avoid responsibility by saying you didn’t know about it. For God knows all hearts and he sees you. He keeps watch over your souls, and he knows you know. And he will judge all people according to what they have done.”

count me in.

As I lay peacefully on my bed, it shakes. walls buzz with the vibration coming off of the ever so lovely guitar strings. as I lay my head against the wall, the pictures and shelf's shake and threaten to fall off, what I thought were secure nails...


Oh the joys of having a rock band practice in your living room, basically 10 steps away.



actually, I like it quite a lot. not only the constant blaring music. but the peace it brings. only a few people could understand. it relieves stress. everyone has that little something that takes them away from a reality that they so much dislike. music is my little something.

when the amp is hooked up;
there is no death
there is no heartache
there are no sad tears; only tears of joy
there are no frowns
there is no evil lurking in the shadows
there is no lying
it's just pure truth



The pounding and the fierce pulse that is rushing through my body at the moment, it allows me to think. It sets my mind and heart as ease. it's not a distraction, and it's not just noise. It's music. it's art. it's beautiful.



one question; what is your little something?