oh, to know this demise...

I don't know what I’m waiting for,
but I’m certainly waiting for something.

I struggle with jealousy and envy. I want what other people have.
friendships, money, things... what ever it may be.
maybe I’m waiting for my chance to have those things.

but I know deep down that I have all that I need. everything I need is inside me.
yet I still struggle with exactly how to cope with these feelings. What do I do? What do I say? how do I go on like this?

I don't know the right questions to ask. I don't know whether the answer is right in front of me, or if it will take years of searching to find even a clue as to what the answer is. maybe the answer isn't even important. maybe the road is what’s important. the road to whatever end I come to. perhaps I should stop wondering what the questions are, and step out on my own and just find out what I’m supposed to do in the long run. but it's so overwhelming. I don't know whether or not I’m doing everything I should be. but at the same time, I can't help but acknowledge that wherever we are, that is where we're supposed to be at this point in our lives. so, I’m here, not feeling too good, but I’m here for a reason. maybe I won't know that reason for a very long time. maybe I’ll snap out of it tomorrow.

I say 'maybe' a lot. I think it's because it's a hopeful word. it references possibility; chance; opportunity. the future. a lesson learned. positive things. it's usually a pretty positive word.


sometimes I feel like I have all the right people in all the wrong places. maybe I just need to open up more; be more of myself, and less of someone I’ve been trying to be for too long. but will people even care? can these individuals lay aside their judgment and their pride and arrogance for a brief moment, to see people for who they really are? more importantly, will they? I’m beginning to think that they won't. I’ve almost given up on this world. but I haven't, because I know I’m not supposed to. It’s all part of a bigger plan. a plan that is far outside of my control.


I think part of my problem is anger. I have so much despicable anger built up towards a few certain people right now. these people have hurt other people; broken them down; torn people and relationships apart; lied; cheated; deceived; hidden their true character and life. I try to avoid coming in contact with them, for fear of what I'll do or say. this is a huge part of my problem, I think. because it really and truly affects me. however, amends cannot be made. no words of repentance and forgiveness can be spoken by either side, at this point. and it scares me. because it's slowly tearing me apart, and I don't know if i can handle it much longer.

I cannot fix this problem myself, and I’m not trying to place the blame of my attitude onto another.

Prayer. Yes.
I just need a lot of prayer.



I don't really have anything else to say.
I'm far too tired to think of much else.

Emotions and thoughts that cannot be put into words, that’s my specialty it seems like.


It’ll be okay,