The caverns of tomorrow...

I'm wrestling with failure and disappointment, once again. doing the things I told myself I would never do again. I think I tell myself these things yet I don't listen, because I honestly just don't want to listen. or rather, I do want to listen, but something else has a grip on my heart, and it doesn't want me to listen because it knows the greater pain of evil, and that's all it wants for me. this spirit of evil wants nothing but destruction for me. It feeds off of my failures; hides in the shadows of my darkness; rejects the light for its own purposes. It’s the devil, and my mind seems to love it. yet, my heart bleeds. my heart cries out for freedom and liberation. yet all I give it is more of what I don't want in the first place. If I continue this way, I will eventually destroy myself from the inside. All because of nothing. Well, what people are telling me is nothing. Some days I think it just might be worth it.

This is one of those times where I can truthfully say "my heart is heavy and light", yet not fully understand that.

But still, I laugh and scream and sing. My sin laughs. My heart screams. My mind sings. Knowing full well that change is in order.

I often wish I had more words to convey emotions. I feel I overuse words a bit too much. I apologize for that. I feel hindered by the English language. If I had words more profound, I would say them readily. But, I am all that I have, and what I am is not verbose or poetic enough to convey my true feelings. so, I carry on...


anyways, on a lighter note...


I feel like life just might be looking up for me. I have a lot to look forward to, in these next couple of months and years too. I feel like change is finally taking place. The hole I dug for myself was deep, but the ladder I’m building is strong.

It’s a way out, and It's made of love and faith and hope and honesty. I’m building a ladder of peace. I’m finally taking steps to make amends with myself. It’s not always easy, but it's beautiful and I am thankful for it. Good things take time.


I have another day ahead of me.
It’ll be a good day, I’ve already decided.