all we are.

hi there.
who are you?

I see that you're sporting the latest fashions...
what trendy pop-culture magazine did you see that in?
seventeen, elle, tigerbeat?


I see that you're driving and enjoying a brand new car...
how much did that cost your parents?

I noticed that you've got the highest-quality makeup brand...
what air-brushed super[ficial] model inspired you to wear that?

I noticed all the patches adorning your letterman's jacket.
that must make you the hottest guy in school, right?

I hear you're listening to the hottest hits of the 80's, 90's, and today.
what mainstream radio station threw that up on you?


yeah, I see all this stuff.
I see how cool you look,
I see the way you walk,
I hear the way you talk.

but tell me something... listen real close now, alright?

... uh, who are you?


no no no, stop right there.
I know your name, your age, I can guess your height and your shoe size.
your hair color is very obvious, and your eye color too.
I know what you like to do for fun. I know what kind of parties you go to.
I know all the sports you play and what kind of car you drive.
that's not what I asked.

I asked who you are.

I don't want an explanation. I want a conversation.

who you are is not what you wear. it's not the car you drive. it's not the latest trends.
who you are is not the music you listen to or the books you read.

maybe that doesn't leave you much to work with, huh...

well, how's your heart?
what do you dream about when you close your eyes?

what do you think about when you lay in bed at night?

what kind of stories do you tell yourself when no one is listening?

what do you do when no one is watching?

behind closed doors...

what do you hear when all is silent?

what do you stand for?

what do you believe in?

what do you want to be if you grow up?


see, these are the things that define who you are.

those clothes? you won't be wearing them a year from now.
that car? it will break down someday. maybe even get totaled.
that music? the kids will think you're a freak for listening to it. you'll give it up eventually.
the letterman jacket? cool. great. awesome. no one will care in 10 years.
the makeup? it can be a mask.


who we are is determined by our heart and soul.
not the things we have.
material possessions are simply nothing.

maybe it's time to examine yourself. look in the mirror. look past the clothes and the makeup. look past the hair and the teeth. look past everything you see on the outside. search yourself for what you feel. what you see when you close your eyes. the person you dream about being when you lay in bed at night. look towards the things that really matter to you. the things that are important. money? clothes? cars? these things are not important. boyfriends? girlfriends? sex? drugs? alcohol? meaningless. meaningless lies.

I never asked for your body.
I simply wanted a look inside your heart.
a glimpse inside your soul.
that is who you are.
I want to know who you are.
I don't want to get in your pants.
I want to get in your heart.


that's all that matters to me. quit your clothes. quit your make-up. quit your friends that don't care about you. quit the drugs and the drinking. quit trying to impress people. you don't need to justify yourself. let your 'yes' be yes and your 'no' be no.


be truthful.
be open.
be honest.
be faithful.
be loyal.
be accepting.
be loving.

be everything that really matters,
and nothing that doesn't.

cleanse yourself.
straighten out your heart. heal your mind. fix your soul.
we can't do this alone. we must do this together.
for the sake of all that is good and right.
community.
we're all in these things together.

you don't need to please other people with what you look like and how you act.
be yourself. if everyone would just be themselves, we would all be on top of the world. we would all have so much love, so much hope, so much faith.

so much understanding.


so, tell me. who are you?
who are you really?

frolicking amidst madness and insanity.

Lost in my own personal nightmare
frolicking amidst madness and insanity.
the howling wind slashes through my thoughts,
and crashing of thunder awakens my soul
the ground quakes as it tries to drown out heartbreak
dangling by a thread, by a lonesome dream; there is no such thing as clarity in these emotions
gaze upon the broken reflection, and into a pool of tears

cannot say it enough.

you know as much as we may not like certain people, it's a stupid, idiotic and horrible thing to do, spreading lies, rumors, gossip... for the love of all that is good and right, don't do that. don't take part in that. don't talk crap about people. because honestly? it doesn't matter. IT DOESN'T, MATTER. do you gossip to sound super cool? do you spread rumors because it makes you feel like you're part of it all? do you lie because you need to justify yourself?
forget it.

rumors, gossip and lies do nothing for anyone. they may entertain you and your sick mind.
but they tear others apart.

I'd say the only positive thing I've learned about gossip, rumors and lies is the outcome.

you see who believed the awful lies, which "friend" started the rumors.
and you realize that your friends that weren't involved... you realize that they're important and that they're your true friends. and that you can trust them. so, they can make you stronger.


and, you don't have to prove anything to anyone.
you have nothing in this life to justify. the one thing we deserve is death.
but because there is love, we have life.

that's all there is to it.
without love, there is no life.


Are you at the edge of the cliff?
God doesn't hang out near the edge of the cliff. but He'll get there right quick if you're falling. all you have gotta do is ask.


I've decided that i can't keep trying to burn bridges because of my selfish pain.
and, I by burning them, I'm not doing anyone any good. not the people on the other side, or myself.
because, I’m not supposed to gain anything. I’m supposed to give it up. so that's what I’m doing. that's what I’m trying so hard to do. it's really difficult, you know that. I know that. but I’m working on it. you should work on it, too. let’s do it together.


I can see the end of this. the end of the bitterness in my heart. the end of the darkness in my mind. I can see it. it's a long ways off. or maybe it's closer than i think... either way, I can see it. and happiness is here. it's right here within me.

but I’ve gotta start walking down that road. it's long and it's hard and it's gonna take a lot of time and effort, but I can accomplish this.
I can do this.
I can overcome this.
I can be better than this.

I’ve waited all my life to be better than this.

but then I realized that waiting isn't gonna make things go any faster.

don't be apathetic.
don't be passive.
don't sit there and sulk.
don't sit there and complain.
do something about it.


This is a challenge. quit your apathetic ways. whatever is holding you back, make amends with it. forgive, but don't forget the lessons that were learned.
it's time to stand up for who you are and what you believe in.
it's time to get your heart and your mind on the same page.

and on the same word... "love."

this life goes so much faster than you know. faster than you realize.
for all we know, this could end tomorrow.
you could die tonight.
your world could get turned upside down in a split second.

and you're going to waste your time talking?
forget it.

I’m not who I was last year.
I hope you're not who you were last year, either.

"so take these words, and sing out loud.
'cause everyone is forgiven now.
'cause tonight's the night the world begins again..."

I really like that.
"tonight's the night the world begins again."
every night, the sun goes down and the sun rises. and if I’m the same person tomorrow, that I am today. I won't be too happy with myself. learn from your past mistakes.


keep. moving. forward.

always.

ineffable.

long quiet drives, silent tears
thoughts and ideas in your head,
unlocking subconscious fears

head down, to hide the tear stained cheeks
voice shakes when she finally speaks
and the usual nervous boy, says an eloquent prayer tonight...

the group of common off-key vocals
are something angelic tonight,
out in this warm air; out in pure light

the nights air is warm on my brow
yet my knees tremble and shake
teeth chatter as though I'm standing in cold weather; but I remain still

a box of tissues passed around for the running noses and wet eyes
look up, up at the star-lit sky
powerful tears running down your chin, and onto the damp ground

I whisper 'amen', as we finish off with my favorite hymn tonight...

turn around...

friendly, yet powerful hugs
try to dry my flushed face
one more hug of the night,
the longest and tightest embrace

exchange three words that meant the world to me...
I can feel the inspiration of love present

long quiet drives, silent tears
thoughts and ideas in your head
unlocking subconscious fears

it might be hard to tell
but when all was said and done
I promised; you're in the presence of God's pure love, and of angels tonight...



there is no explanation.
there are no right words.
amazing. intense. loving. GOD.

I love you too.

fears.
fears truly are a wonderful thing.
that seems like an odd and maybe wrong statement.

especially since fear means;
a distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain, etc., whether the threat is real or imagined; the feeling or condition of being afraid.

I faced two fears tonight really.

not exactly deathly fears, more like silly teenage girl fears. but, nonetheless, I faced them. and I didn't care that I was, really.


My dad and I went to the Eaves house tonight for a prayer meeting.

it was... amazing and intense.

I've always been afraid of crying in public. I like crying, it feels very good. but crying in public... I always felt like crying in public was a sign of weakness in someone.


but, tonight. as we sang and prayed and I thought about how much I love God, and I love the Eaves, I cried. I cried so much. silent tears just running down my face. Joe was behind me, Michael was on my left, Preston was behind me on my right, I was facing numerous people, and I cried. I just didn't care anymore. I figured the Eaves and God were so much more important than my stupid pride. my idiotic ideas. I love them so much.

I cried so much. and I didn't care.
they were worth it. and it feels so good to cry in public. it's so much more liberating then crying alone.



I love you.

Three words that don't mean that much anymore. not to me anymore. everyone says I love you. but, do they really mean it...?

I don't ever recall telling anyone 'I love you' other than my family members and my two best friends, abby and abby.


and, honestly...

I don't remember when I actually meant it.
I've often said those three words out of habit, not always out of my heart. that doesn't mean I've been lying when I say it, It's just become such a natural and quick; 'love you' or 'love ya' that I don't even think of what I'm really saying.

love isn't sex, love isn't money, love isn't materiel things, love isn't just for boyfriends or spouses.

there is absolutely no way to define love with words.
actions speak louder than words.


but tonight..

when I grasped tightly onto one of my most favorite people in the world; and buried my face in his neck, I said it. and I thought about it before I said it. I truly meant it. I said it from the bottom of my heart, and I meant it.

I love you.
and I believe that is the best hug I've ever received.

two fears. crying and I love you.
fears really do make you stronger once you face them. even if you don't realize it until later. they are there for a reason. and it's okay if you don't face them head on asap. that's okay. but let me just say that, as soon as you do... you'll have an indescribable feeling. and a feeling that you want to stay. but it won't. because it wouldn't be so special, if it wasn't so rare.

so, think about it before you say it, and mean it when you do.

three simple words.
lets make them mean something again...
something beautiful.
something selfless and kind.

I love you, I really do.



a cry for tomorrow;
cries for second chances.
a cry for the steps
in these life-and-death dances.
a cry for the boys,
a cry for the girls.
a cry for their future,
and a cry for the world.

today is the only day left before tomorrow.

it's new years eve. the last day of the year. the only day before the new year.

and I’m kind of at a loss for words. surprise surprise.


this past year has been good to me. I have learned lessons. I have made new friends. I have lived, I have loved, I have experienced. I hope it's been the same for you.
looking back, I have a few memories that really stick out to me. but, If I had to create a highlight reel for 2008, it would probably include every second of every day. because these are lessons learned. every second is a second that is different than the last.

I think a lot of people look forward to the start of a new year because it means they get a chance to start over. a clean slate. but really... the sun will go down tonight, and it will come up tomorrow morning. same as every other day.
you need to realize that every day is a new day. every day is a fresh start. a new beginning. another chance.


but I’ve come to realize that it's a lot easier to start over when you have a clean calendar hanging on your wall. fresh and ready to be filled with vacations, events, birthdays, parties, etc. an old calendar brings back memories, but a new one is yours to create memories on, so to speak.

I've come to realize that too many people make resolutions and then forget about them the next month. too many people give up on themselves because things are so hard. and during this time of economic crisis, it could be a lot harder.

do me a favor. please, remember that money has no control over time. money has no control over love. it has no control over hope. love and hope are yours. they do not belong to money. I will enter the New Year with $26 to my name. if I end 2009 with $26, then so be it. I will have loved, learned, and lived. that is what is important.
don't let hard times rule your life. wherever there are dark clouds, there is a bright sun shining behind them. the storm will pass. walk toward the sun, and the shadows will fall behind. I promise.

I hope and pray that you all live to see the end of another year. because the world is not the same place without you. and your life is not yours to take. for if you end your life while the storm clouds are above you, whose beautiful face will the sun shine on when the storm passes? you are not alone. you were not alone this year, and you will not be alone next year.

you are all beautiful people. you have the power to create a beautiful year. so please, rise to the occasion. this is a chance. this is the chance you've been waiting for all year. the time has come, and it is real.

leave your old self behind, with all the memories. leave your old self behind, with the pictures and the songs and the plans you never made. leave it with the pictures you never took. leave it all behind. start over. if you have black boxes in the back of your mind, open them. release the darkness. open your eyes. there's a bright future ahead of you. don't let the panic bring you down.

in 2009... live. when you have a song to sing, sing it. when you have tears to cry, cry them. when you have words to say, say them with an open heart. when you have love to give, give it. no matter what.

happiness is a conscious decision you have to make every day.

this will be an especially different year, with a new leader of this country. he can make new rules, and he can set new restrictions, but he will not change you. and no, he will not change this country. you will change this country. we, together, will change this country. please, work together to make it a beautiful place. make it a country worth living in. land of the free, home of the brave? you are free to be honest and open, and you are brave enough to take on the challenges that come your way.

don't go into the new year with anger and grudges and bitterness towards anyone. give up the pain that brought you down this year. give it up. it will only bring you down farther in the years to come, if it is not dealt with immediately. so give it up. give up the pain. break the addictions. unlock the clinking chains. you have it in you. I know you do. but you cannot do this alone. surround yourself with people that love and care about you. they are there, and they are ready. you just have to open your heart, open your mind, open your soul. you will find love in the strangest of places, and you will find hope in the darkest of times.

whatever you do, wherever life takes you, please do not give up.

take everything one day at a time. do not worry about tomorrow. today has enough worries of its own.


play new games. make new friends. try new things. life is about change, so change for the better. stop standing still. keep walking. keep moving forward.
but always, always be on your guard. be responsible. be wise. be well.

as I stared into the fire tonight, guitars and melodious voices running through my head, I realized so much. I realized that I love all of these people. I love them so much. no matter how many times they've let me down. no matter how many times I've cried over them. no matter how many times they break their promises. I love them.

and now, I'd like to hear some of your plans for the new year.
tell me your hopes... your dreams, your goals, your plans. I want to hear them. I want to help you. I want you to have the best year of your life.



This year is gone.
next year is here.

secrets keep you sick.

What a blessing, what a curse.


Tears seem to immerse the heart and make it come alive. as weird as it may sound, I like crying. I simply love it. It’s such a release. It feels so liberating... to finally let out what you've been holding in for so long. every tear is a drop of love, and of pain. a drop of life. falling on sheets and pillows, in hands and on sleeves. falling on tables and floors. falling to the places we have come to fear the most.


"for every tear falling, there's a star close behind."


have you ever realized that things can become so overwhelming.
I cry because I realized how truly ungrateful I am.
unfortunately, I can't put what i felt into words... it's just not possible. but it's something I never want to feel again.

I realized that if I died, I would leave holes in the hearts of too many people. not because of my death, but because of what I didn't tell them. "I love you."

snow patrol sums it up best, in the song 'chasing cars': "those three words, are said too much, but not enough..."

It haunts me. if I died, would you know I loved you? would you know that I cared for you? or would you only have memories of the times I turned away? the times I ignored you. the times I didn't care enough. the times I was immature. the times I was selfish and ignorant. would those memories haunt you? It’s something I’m trying so hard to work on.
but I tell you, it's not easy. these chains are heavy. I know I hold the key. but I can't find the lock. It’s too dark. I know I need the light. but the clinking of these chains seem to be drowning out my prayers. my heart doesn't know up from down in this place. it's a nightmare. it's a dark emotional nightmare.


I cry because I don't love enough.

I'm afraid it doesn't mean anything to anyone anymore. I want to tell you. I want to, so badly. because I do. I do love you. more than you'll ever know. but people take this the wrong way. I don't want to sleep with you. I don't want to marry you. I just love you. like a brother, like a sister. I love you and I want the best for you. you've probably heard that before, and maybe you've been lied to. I won't lie to you. I promise. because if I lie to you, I’m lying to myself. and I’m lying to God. I can't do that. I would rather die a criminal's death.

hang me, I’d deserve it. nothing I have done on this earth is truly worthy of eternal life. I realize that. nothing I can do on this earth, will grant me eternal life. I can't earn my way into heaven. neither can you. neither can Billy graham, nor any other television evangelist, pastor, minister, father, priest, pope, bishop, student, teacher, parent, friend, brother, sister, grandparent, friend, or enemy.
only by the grace of God am I saved.

amazing grace, how sweet the sound, that saved a wretch like me.

you've heard those words before.
but stop singing and start loving. embrace this fact.


I don't know what to make of myself. I'm pouring myself out to the internet. I have no privacy in this, and I am fine with that. I have nothing to hide, thus far. secrets keep you sick.
I’ve been told I’m a blessing. people have poured out their entire life stories to me. they've told me things they've never told anyone else. thoughts and ideas. their perspective. things that I can never repay them for.

and here I sit. tears in my eyes. because I am insecure and unsure. I don't know what's going to happen to me.

but then I realize, I have been blessed with beautiful people in my life, because of love. I love these people. I love you. and I’ll say it as many times as I have to. because I don't want to die and leave you alone.

in the midst of tears and uncontrollable laughing, I gave my life, once again, to the One that I have given my life to over and over again. and He took me in again, with open arms.

"She hands me her last razor blade, tells me it is the one she used to cut her arm and her last lines of cocaine five nights before. She's had it with her ever since, shares that tonight will be the hardest night and she shouldn't have it. I hold it carefully, thank her and know instantly that this moment, this gift, will stay with me. It hits me to wonder if this great feeling is what Christ knows when we surrender our broken hearts, when we trade death for life."

this quote from Jamie Tworkowski, in the twloha story can make me cry and laugh everytime. cry because it's awful and sad and then I realize again how much Christ loves me. and then laugh because I'm so happy that Christ loves me.

sitting on my bed. laughing. tears streaming down my face.


I know my story is not done. It’s nowhere near done. I have songs to sing, hugs to give, words to speak and write. I have love to give. when I die, I want to be empty-handed. not because I had nothing, but because I had everything, and I gave it all away.


this is not done. this is nowhere near done. the things I write are part of an on-going story.
a monologue, in my head. a beautiful world.


you may think I’m crazy, posting this for all the world to see. but I don't care what you think of me. I am who I am, regardless of what I do or do not tell people. This is true for all of us. we are who we are. we can try to hide it, but why hide beauty? you don't put a candle under a bowl. you put it on a pedestal, because it is beautiful. you want everyone to see the beautiful light.
you are a beautiful light.

and maybe I am crazy.

but when there is love, sanity is not an issue.


it'll be okay,

I used to think tears were a sign of weakness...
oh how things change.

You keep track of all my sorrows, You have collected all my tears in your bottle, You have recorded each one in your book. - Psalm 56:8