secrets keep you sick.

What a blessing, what a curse.


Tears seem to immerse the heart and make it come alive. as weird as it may sound, I like crying. I simply love it. It’s such a release. It feels so liberating... to finally let out what you've been holding in for so long. every tear is a drop of love, and of pain. a drop of life. falling on sheets and pillows, in hands and on sleeves. falling on tables and floors. falling to the places we have come to fear the most.


"for every tear falling, there's a star close behind."


have you ever realized that things can become so overwhelming.
I cry because I realized how truly ungrateful I am.
unfortunately, I can't put what i felt into words... it's just not possible. but it's something I never want to feel again.

I realized that if I died, I would leave holes in the hearts of too many people. not because of my death, but because of what I didn't tell them. "I love you."

snow patrol sums it up best, in the song 'chasing cars': "those three words, are said too much, but not enough..."

It haunts me. if I died, would you know I loved you? would you know that I cared for you? or would you only have memories of the times I turned away? the times I ignored you. the times I didn't care enough. the times I was immature. the times I was selfish and ignorant. would those memories haunt you? It’s something I’m trying so hard to work on.
but I tell you, it's not easy. these chains are heavy. I know I hold the key. but I can't find the lock. It’s too dark. I know I need the light. but the clinking of these chains seem to be drowning out my prayers. my heart doesn't know up from down in this place. it's a nightmare. it's a dark emotional nightmare.


I cry because I don't love enough.

I'm afraid it doesn't mean anything to anyone anymore. I want to tell you. I want to, so badly. because I do. I do love you. more than you'll ever know. but people take this the wrong way. I don't want to sleep with you. I don't want to marry you. I just love you. like a brother, like a sister. I love you and I want the best for you. you've probably heard that before, and maybe you've been lied to. I won't lie to you. I promise. because if I lie to you, I’m lying to myself. and I’m lying to God. I can't do that. I would rather die a criminal's death.

hang me, I’d deserve it. nothing I have done on this earth is truly worthy of eternal life. I realize that. nothing I can do on this earth, will grant me eternal life. I can't earn my way into heaven. neither can you. neither can Billy graham, nor any other television evangelist, pastor, minister, father, priest, pope, bishop, student, teacher, parent, friend, brother, sister, grandparent, friend, or enemy.
only by the grace of God am I saved.

amazing grace, how sweet the sound, that saved a wretch like me.

you've heard those words before.
but stop singing and start loving. embrace this fact.


I don't know what to make of myself. I'm pouring myself out to the internet. I have no privacy in this, and I am fine with that. I have nothing to hide, thus far. secrets keep you sick.
I’ve been told I’m a blessing. people have poured out their entire life stories to me. they've told me things they've never told anyone else. thoughts and ideas. their perspective. things that I can never repay them for.

and here I sit. tears in my eyes. because I am insecure and unsure. I don't know what's going to happen to me.

but then I realize, I have been blessed with beautiful people in my life, because of love. I love these people. I love you. and I’ll say it as many times as I have to. because I don't want to die and leave you alone.

in the midst of tears and uncontrollable laughing, I gave my life, once again, to the One that I have given my life to over and over again. and He took me in again, with open arms.

"She hands me her last razor blade, tells me it is the one she used to cut her arm and her last lines of cocaine five nights before. She's had it with her ever since, shares that tonight will be the hardest night and she shouldn't have it. I hold it carefully, thank her and know instantly that this moment, this gift, will stay with me. It hits me to wonder if this great feeling is what Christ knows when we surrender our broken hearts, when we trade death for life."

this quote from Jamie Tworkowski, in the twloha story can make me cry and laugh everytime. cry because it's awful and sad and then I realize again how much Christ loves me. and then laugh because I'm so happy that Christ loves me.

sitting on my bed. laughing. tears streaming down my face.


I know my story is not done. It’s nowhere near done. I have songs to sing, hugs to give, words to speak and write. I have love to give. when I die, I want to be empty-handed. not because I had nothing, but because I had everything, and I gave it all away.


this is not done. this is nowhere near done. the things I write are part of an on-going story.
a monologue, in my head. a beautiful world.


you may think I’m crazy, posting this for all the world to see. but I don't care what you think of me. I am who I am, regardless of what I do or do not tell people. This is true for all of us. we are who we are. we can try to hide it, but why hide beauty? you don't put a candle under a bowl. you put it on a pedestal, because it is beautiful. you want everyone to see the beautiful light.
you are a beautiful light.

and maybe I am crazy.

but when there is love, sanity is not an issue.


it'll be okay,

I used to think tears were a sign of weakness...
oh how things change.

You keep track of all my sorrows, You have collected all my tears in your bottle, You have recorded each one in your book. - Psalm 56:8