All things.

I haven't been writing much lately because I know once I write out all, all the happy things in life, all the success and laughter, I will eventually have to come around to all the fears and failures. If I want to be truthful, that is; and I like honesty. It's just hard sometimes.

I have trouble admitting to myself that I messed up, that things will never be the same.

So, you can imagine how it feels to admit my shortcomings, to the world wide web...

I realized last night, that I have three friends.

Three honest to goodness, be there no matter what, unconditional love, friends.

We've been through it all, tears and laughter, funerals and weddings, late nights and early mornings, hot and cold, cheetos and humus.

And I honestly don't want to even imagine where I would be, without them.

They didn't agree on much. In fact, they didn't agree on anything. They fought all the time and challenged each other every day, but despite their differences, they had one important thing in common; they were crazy about each other.

May 28th, 2010

If you cannot stay true to yourself, how do you expect to stay true to another human being?

I myself have never been able to find out precisely what feminism is: I only know that people call me a feminist whenever I express sentiments that differentiate me from a door mat or a prostitute. ~Rebecca West

I will not call you useless; for I have seen you dream.

pictures can become stories,
tales of what was, and what is to come.
joy and pain.
life and death.


you see these eyes,
but you don't see the tears they've cried,
you don't see the horrible
things that they've seen.
you don't witness the broken
world the way these eyes do.
do you see the aftermath of
death?


you see this mouth,
but you do not know the harsh
words that are seeping from these
pale wicked lips.
you do not see the sword
that is my tongue.
have you heard the terrible remarks
and fruitless things that I would like
to take back?


you see these ears,
but have you heard the things
that they have heard?
the awful God-forsaken words?
things I wouldn't say to my worst enemies
or my worst friends.
have you heard the screaming?
all the cries for help?

you see my chest,
but you don't see my heart.
you cannot feel the way it beats,
the way it beats for you.
you don't know the way it bleeds
or the way it cries out for help,
in times that are so difficult,
I don't know how to carry on.


you see my pale skin stretched
across my fragile bones,
but do you feel the heat?
the cold nights, the tears that fall into my palm
you do not feel the hands
or the breathe on my neck.
nor the pain that this skin has endured.


and even if you do see it, you do not know it.
because this is me.
this is not you.
yet, we are all the same, somehow.
is some bizarre, indescribable way,
we are all the same.


I don't have much to show for who I am,
who I was, or who I will be in the future.

but I do have a record of wrongs.
and a very short list of things that I think
I've done right.

so if a picture is all you ever get from me,
please know that there is more that meets the eye.

please know that I am in pain,
and know that I am broken.

please know that one day these eyes will close forever,
these lips will never speak another word,
these ears will never hear another sound,
and this skin will know nothing but death and decay.

but until then,
please keep loving me.
because it is the only thing that gives me life.



think about it.

ramble on, sweet soul

I like how we take the time to build entire cities.
towering buildings. strong structures. beautiful sights. amazing skylines.

and the weather kills it all. brings the city to it's knees.
it reminds me how powerful God is. we cannot do anything and keep it up forever. He will intervene.
He will remind us that we are human. and that even we cannot build something that can withstand his power and might.

We marvel at our advanced technology and we are so proud of ourselves, and God just comes in and reminds us that we are ridiculously small compared to the rest of the universe.


It seems like He just comes and kicks us in the face.
but I doubt that's what it is.
after all, God doesn't kick. right?

:]

How are you?

I feel like I have a love-hate relationship with that question. sometimes, I like answering that question because things are going well and everything is fantastic and I want others to know. but other times, it causes me to really look at my life and analyze and realize things. and I'm very selective when I analyze. so I usually look at all the stuff that's bringing me down. which is why I often don't like answering that question. things have really brought my spirits down lately.


These past 24 hours... I've been happy and I've been sad. I've been bursting with emotion and I've been extremely apathetic. I've laughed and I've cried. I've argued and laughed with the same person. I was disappointed and encouraged. I was confused. I doubted things. I stepped back. I was mortified and disgusted and saddened. I was speechless and I talked too much.
that tends to make for an intense day. and it truly was.


pacifists and peacemakers. tragedy and destruction. two very different things. love and hate; peace and war; everything in between. because sometimes life is happy, and sometimes it is sad. and sometimes it can be both, at the same time.

"I'm ready to live, I’m ready to dream, I'm ready for fear and love; and everything between"
I really like that.

rants, raves, poetry, prose, lyrics, thoughts, ideas and hope. sometimes I'll laugh and sometimes I'll cry; I just might scream. there will be singing- in this lifetime.


although I hate to think on this- it is a good thing to be reminded that we aren't immortal and life can't last forever. it makes me take things into serious consideration; what am I doing? why am I doing it? how am I doing it? how long can I keep this up? Is this really worth fighting for?

it's hard to see into the future. it's hard to make plans for the next few years of your life, because tomorrow could turn your world upside down, or end it. I don't want to make plans, I want to give myself options and suggestions. it might be safer that way. less disappointments maybe, I'm not sure.

the deeper you cut, the deeper I hurt.

Check the facts;

-121 million people worldwide suffer from depression. (The World Health Organization)

-18 million of these cases are happening in the United States. (The National Institute of Mental Health)

-Between 20% and 50% of children and teens struggling with depression have a family history of this struggle and the offspring of depressed parents are more than three times as likely to suffer from depression.

-2/3 of those suffering from depression never seek treatment.

-Untreated depression is the number one cause of suicide, and suicide is the third leading cause of death among teenagers.



Can you honestly read that and not do anything?


Scars hide behind tattoos that entwine her arm
colorful roses are the design
bring a message of faith and hope
for those who think there's no other way to cope
cope with the depression and anger they feel
this is a story for you, but for them this is real
pills, drugs and the ever so tempting blade
some will watch you fade out and decay
but no, not me,
I want to do something to help with this movement
when you're at the bottom,
there is room for nothing but improvement
you don't have to live like this
you'll be okay,
you don't have to fear lies or harm
and all because,
we wrote love on her arm.



stop the bleeding.
rescue is possible.


seriously, we need to save these beautiful human beings from themselves and their doubts, the doubts that Satan puts into their minds.


The deeper you cut, the deeper I hurt.
The deeper you cut, it only gets worse.

the way she feels.

"You do anything long enough to escape the habit of living; until the escape becomes the habit.”
That's exactly what this was. abusing myself to escape from life. because I felt like I didn't deserve to feel good.
I wasn't good enough to be loved, and to feel secure and safe. addiction comes in many shapes and sizes, and can often be disguised. well, maybe not disguised, but we don't realize how badly we depend on it, until we realize we are it. we are the addiction. the addiction becomes us. it's on our mind more than anything else. more than school, more than God, more than our families or future. As I said, addiction comes in all shapes and sizes, different packages. whether it's addiction to food, drugs(legal or illegal), alcohol, or the knife.

this addiction, didn't seem so wrong anymore. it was routine. it was like a before bed routine, when all of the days stress and trials of tomorrow was on my mind. before bed: wash face, cut yourself and cry, brush teeth, hop into bed.