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How are you?

I feel like I have a love-hate relationship with that question. sometimes, I like answering that question because things are going well and everything is fantastic and I want others to know. but other times, it causes me to really look at my life and analyze and realize things. and I'm very selective when I analyze. so I usually look at all the stuff that's bringing me down. which is why I often don't like answering that question. things have really brought my spirits down lately.


These past 24 hours... I've been happy and I've been sad. I've been bursting with emotion and I've been extremely apathetic. I've laughed and I've cried. I've argued and laughed with the same person. I was disappointed and encouraged. I was confused. I doubted things. I stepped back. I was mortified and disgusted and saddened. I was speechless and I talked too much.
that tends to make for an intense day. and it truly was.


pacifists and peacemakers. tragedy and destruction. two very different things. love and hate; peace and war; everything in between. because sometimes life is happy, and sometimes it is sad. and sometimes it can be both, at the same time.

"I'm ready to live, I’m ready to dream, I'm ready for fear and love; and everything between"
I really like that.

rants, raves, poetry, prose, lyrics, thoughts, ideas and hope. sometimes I'll laugh and sometimes I'll cry; I just might scream. there will be singing- in this lifetime.


although I hate to think on this- it is a good thing to be reminded that we aren't immortal and life can't last forever. it makes me take things into serious consideration; what am I doing? why am I doing it? how am I doing it? how long can I keep this up? Is this really worth fighting for?

it's hard to see into the future. it's hard to make plans for the next few years of your life, because tomorrow could turn your world upside down, or end it. I don't want to make plans, I want to give myself options and suggestions. it might be safer that way. less disappointments maybe, I'm not sure.

the deeper you cut, the deeper I hurt.

Check the facts;

-121 million people worldwide suffer from depression. (The World Health Organization)

-18 million of these cases are happening in the United States. (The National Institute of Mental Health)

-Between 20% and 50% of children and teens struggling with depression have a family history of this struggle and the offspring of depressed parents are more than three times as likely to suffer from depression.

-2/3 of those suffering from depression never seek treatment.

-Untreated depression is the number one cause of suicide, and suicide is the third leading cause of death among teenagers.



Can you honestly read that and not do anything?


Scars hide behind tattoos that entwine her arm
colorful roses are the design
bring a message of faith and hope
for those who think there's no other way to cope
cope with the depression and anger they feel
this is a story for you, but for them this is real
pills, drugs and the ever so tempting blade
some will watch you fade out and decay
but no, not me,
I want to do something to help with this movement
when you're at the bottom,
there is room for nothing but improvement
you don't have to live like this
you'll be okay,
you don't have to fear lies or harm
and all because,
we wrote love on her arm.



stop the bleeding.
rescue is possible.


seriously, we need to save these beautiful human beings from themselves and their doubts, the doubts that Satan puts into their minds.


The deeper you cut, the deeper I hurt.
The deeper you cut, it only gets worse.

the way she feels.

"You do anything long enough to escape the habit of living; until the escape becomes the habit.”
That's exactly what this was. abusing myself to escape from life. because I felt like I didn't deserve to feel good.
I wasn't good enough to be loved, and to feel secure and safe. addiction comes in many shapes and sizes, and can often be disguised. well, maybe not disguised, but we don't realize how badly we depend on it, until we realize we are it. we are the addiction. the addiction becomes us. it's on our mind more than anything else. more than school, more than God, more than our families or future. As I said, addiction comes in all shapes and sizes, different packages. whether it's addiction to food, drugs(legal or illegal), alcohol, or the knife.

this addiction, didn't seem so wrong anymore. it was routine. it was like a before bed routine, when all of the days stress and trials of tomorrow was on my mind. before bed: wash face, cut yourself and cry, brush teeth, hop into bed.

these currents are killing me.

well, I wrote something. about abortion.



It's hard to write about such topics, because there is too much that can be

misconstrued, misinterpreted, misunderstood, etc. especially over the internet.

so, it's gone. I threw it away. I hope we can have a face-to-face
conversation about it someday. but I can't set my words in stone and
leave the interpretation up to you. I'm not saying that you would
misinterpret it, but I cannot take that chance on such a delicate
matter.







I haven't been writing much lately. I'm trying to work on that.
however, I'm afraid most of my writing won't be on here. I have a book
to write; I have songs to write. poetry as well.



I've learned more in these four short months of 2009 that I have
learned in the last five years. I hope I can accurately reflect on pain
and anger; joy and laughter; tears and sadness. that is my prayer. I
hope it does not go unfulfilled.







I'm unsure as to when I will post another entry on here. I'll still be
around, just not as much. I have important things to do. I'd like to
think that I've started a new chapter in my life. I'm trying to let God
write most of this chapter. I hope you'll be a part of this story
though, by praying for me. I've realized that I need a lot of help. I
can't do this on my own. none of us can. things aren't always as they
seem. we get ahead of ourselves, and the fall is hard. I'm trying to
fall in the right place, this time. the arms of love. real love, not
the love this world offers because that can never satisfy me. I have
other things to do. much better things.





but, before I sign off, I have a question that I hope you will answer.



if somebody knew absolutely everything about you,

would you be afraid of that person?



think about it.



I would. I definitely would be scared to death of that person.







"So I guess we are who we are for a lot of reasons. And maybe we'll

never know most of them. But even if we don't have the power to choose

where we come from, we can still choose where we go from there. We can

still do things. And we can try to feel okay about them." - Stephan Chbosky

Jesus Christ, that's a pretty face.

It seems that the enemy of love, is life.

how many times has "timing" or another person ruined what was supposed to be a great love?


I don't know if it's "fate", "destiny", the universe or God, but there is an invisible obsticle blocking me from what is just out of reach. things that I think would bring me great happiness. no, not things. people.

however, this life is not over yet, there is still time;
I will tell myself that.

my mind and scope of imagination has kept me alive thus far, it shouldn't fail me now.

maybe we just needed a reminder.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
-- 1 Corinthians 13: 4-7



Maybe we just need a reminder.

You don't believe in God?
I think that's okay(for now) because he believes in you.

if there's tomorrow, there's time to change

I’ve had my yesterdays. lots of them.

I’ll have my tomorrows. God-willing.

but today? I only have one today.
in just one hour, today will become yesterday.
and tomorrow will become today.
and so on and so forth.

today will be thrown into the stack of yesterdays,
a hundred feet deep, waiting to be sorted, organized. the thoughts that I've pushed out of my mind to make room for others. probably less important thoughts.

tomorrow is right around the corner. and that's not a problem.
the problem is, I’m not ready. I didn't make the most of today, so how can I make the most of tomorrow?
If today was wasted, what will tomorrow be? just as much a waste of my existence? am I wasting this life? Is this life over? Will I wake up tomorrow?

or maybe, this is where the opportunity to change comes into play.
the clock will say 12:00 AM and the date will keep going up, up, up, reaching skyward, only to fall back down to 1, never reaching past 31...
and that, my friends, is tomorrow becoming today. brand new chances. that sun will come up. it will come up and it will be bright, it will probably be hot.
these days. they're too big for screens and too loud for speakers. the way life should be lived.

If I wake up, I have more chances.
I hope you get as many chances as you need. I know I'd like to get them.


looking back on who I was and still am, I question a lot of things. I question my authenticity. I used to try too hard, you know. and sometimes I still do. I used to say things and write things that I didn't really believe. I’ve taken them all down now. the thoughts were true, but the words were not who I really am. I tried to be deep and meaning full. I tried too hard. I tried to fit a mold of what I thought you wanted. Was I not good enough?

I’m sorry, but eloquence just does not suit me as well as I thought it would. I tried to force it. You can’t force yourself to be someone you’re not. So, please don’t try to force me, those around you, or yourself. don’t force yourself. don’t try to “fix” yourself. you are not broken. no, not yet.

I used to want people to love me, accept me, and acknowledge my existence. I wanted that so badly. and I'd do so much to get it. I had to fake being myself for a while. and I did. I really did. not to say that all these things were false and I should take them back. no. It's a matter of my heart being in the right place, and my mind being somewhere else. My heart and mind have not been in same place for about two months. it's really a fight between them. a constant battle.

I used to create false hope for myself. I created false love and I broke promises, lost trust, lost friends; I put too much pressure on myself, and I’ve collapsed over and over again. I turned back to the things I told myself I wouldn't turn to ever again. I spent time alone, just sitting and suffering under the weight of irresponsibility and immaturity.

I guess I just got sick and tired of thinking I was something else. I got sick and tired of the idea that people should respect me and love me and treat me well. but, it really doesn't matter. and I may have said that before, but this time, I truly mean it. I promise.

In all honesty, I'm one of the worst people I know.
not that I am any better or worse than anyone else.... but I do seem to know more about myself than ever before, and also less than ever before. does that make any sense? Well, if not. It does make sense to me.

Do you know the craziness that goes on in my mind? and in my heart?. I know the things I do when no one is looking. and sometimes, sometimes I hate it. but, if through all of this, I can find it in me to love myself, than how much more can I love other people? if I can love and accept people for "who they are", surely I can love and accept myself, despite knowing as much of myself as I do.



and the truth is, I’m only human. I mess up a lot. I’m insecure. I doubt myself. I procrastinate to no end. I’m lazy. selfish. and to be honest, I'm only getting worse and worse.

I kept telling myself that I was getting better, but in my mind, I knew I wasn't. and I didn't know where to run. and I still don't. I just keep running myself into brick walls that I cannot defeat.

I pushed myself into corners, hoping to make people think I’m something else. I'm not. Luckily for me, someone came into the room and gave me true hope once again. No, not God. It was a physical thing.
I may say that we all need hope, and we really do, but I need to be reminded of it myself sometimes.

I'm really not all that you think I am or was. you really don't know the dark corners of my mind. you don't know the thoughts that run through my head. you don't know the tears and the memories. you don't recall the tragic conversations and heartbreaking reminders.
but, sometimes, I wish you did. maybe then you would understand.
sometimes I want you to know all of me. but I’m afraid. I know that I shouldn't be, but I am. I’m simply terrified.

Believe it or not, I still believe in love and hope. and I still believe in rescue. I just don't know where to turn anymore. I guess, logically, the only answer is 'God'. I know full well that he's the only one who can give me everything I need, but sometimes I don't feel like talking to the ceiling, and my Bible is just too far away from my bed. It makes me feel like a failure. Yet, I don't do anything about it. I just sit by myself and think of how I’m a pathetic excuse for a human. Yet, do nothing about it. not a single thing.


I'm not sure why I wrote this, it's nothing inspirational. I just needed to vent, I suppose. and I felt that I could trust you with what little things I felt comfortable saying.

Don't tell me I will make it on my own.

Have I really run out of things to talk about?
Have I really covered everything worth talking about? that seems impossible.


I know, I know, things change, no two lives are the same. no two days are the same, and no two hearts are the same. that is something I know all too well.

I will not bore you with the life and trials of anna medley.

Just know that I am confused about almost everything in my present life, and the future is just a thick fog, and sometimes that scares me, but it's also incredibly exciting, to be honest!


my life doesn't have too much adventure, there are few things that I know is absolute truth.

my feelings; I love you. so much. painfully so.
you cry, and there is a very good chance that I will cry as well.


the lost, but not forgotten.
this is almost a delicate subject.
I don't want to upset anyone.
I feel like I wasn't close enough to them; to grieve as I have. but grieve I have, and I will continue for as long as I'm in a state of sanity.


I think I've run out of things to say, but these are things that are worth repeating:

You are beautiful.
You do matter.
You are loved.


something we cannot forget: life. this life, it's a group effort.
we can't go it alone. I've tried. It just isn't meant to be.